My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business