My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
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[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?