I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen