House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
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You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Jail
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”