Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
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This came to me in a dream.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot