A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
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“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.