I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
thank god the sign was there
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
New Tinder profile.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.