me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.