Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”