I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Yes, this is exactly right
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”