Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
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ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes