*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
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“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
If only.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear