SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
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Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
…..pretty much.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Free him
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer