Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
When the stylist spins you back around
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.