He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
You Might Also Like
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.