I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.