I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.