My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
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[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit