I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
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♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.