Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*