Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Dammit Chief not again
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys