I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
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In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
And bowling should be called pinball
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one