My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
That’s incredible! 👌
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I am having an out of money experience.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.