Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
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“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Dear Lord..
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
I wanna be friends with this person
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.