“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
when you don’t want to be too vague
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi