HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
You Might Also Like
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My favorite farside!!
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.