I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*