Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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Bike is short for Bichael.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.