BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
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Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal