I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
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Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know