If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
me irl
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks