[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
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to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Have kids, they said
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.