I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
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Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Probably my best painting.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber