Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
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Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.