Worth remembering.
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DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Meeeee too!
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW