inside you are two wolves
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Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.