Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
I triple waxed for this?
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.