What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
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When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them