Just ordered me some pizza!
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Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
We need to put an American base on the sun
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago