Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Cardio Made Easy
😅😅😅
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels