Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
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I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Who knew!
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
…żyje?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …