Sex so good you see dead people.
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the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain