My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
You Might Also Like
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days