I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
marvel comics have peaked
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.