New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.