If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned