My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
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Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies