Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
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I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”