Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?