Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
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As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Are you ok, human???
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.